Why You Feel Guilty When Setting Boundaries And How To Stop It…
Boundaries are talked about a lot these days which is GREAT. Our society is shifting into mindfulness and I am all for it! But I don’t see often enough discussions about how it feels to set boundaries. The reality is, it is not as simple as just waking up and making a different choice one day. Having healthy boundaries is a practice that takes daily work. Most especially if you were traumatized or mistreated in early childhood.
If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.
When you’ve been conditioned to believe that saying no is wrong it’s hard to feel good about doing it. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that putting ourselves first is selfish. Unfortunately, this is harmful. Boundaries, self care, these things aren’t some self-indulgent luxury. They’re needed to maintain & nourish any relationship for the long term.
What ARE boundaries? Well, a boundary is a real or imaginary barrier between two entities beyond which the other has limited rights. Physical boundaries are easy, they’re clear, obvious, and right in front of your face. But then there’s the boundaries we need to have happy and healthy relationships. We call these psychological boundaries. Lastly, there are energetic boundaries, or protections, in the magickal world. Psychological and physical boundaries help energetic boundaries.
Psychological boundaries are less clear. These are things like ideas and standards by which we would like others to relate with us-through mind, body and emotions. Psychological boundaries are NOT a means to dictate and control the behavior of others. They are meant to help you determine where limits, expectations and responsibilities lie with ourselves and for others. They help you to become clear on your values and priorities, and they help you to set limits around people and activities that don’t bring you joy or fulfillment.
NO is a complete sentence…
It’s important to remember that when you are setting boundaries you are NOT punishing anyone. It’s also vital to remember that you do not need to explain your boundaries OR apologize for having them. Anyone who tries to make you feel like you are doing something wrong is someone you may want to take space from. If you naturally feel guilty or find yourself feeling guilty when setting boundaries it’s important to remember that is old programming trying to retain control. That feeling should be your sign that you’re doing the right thing because you are reprogramming your enmeshment with an unhealthy behavior.
Often people have boundary issues because there were negative associations made to the concept of boundaries in early childhood. If there are repeated emotional associations where you felt bad feelings after trying to set a boundary, whatever it was, it creates emotional programming attached to setting boundaries that makes our minds believe boundaries = pain. If you don’t change these beliefs, you will still feel bad afterwards.
You can do this overtime by setting boundaries. Each time you do it you will learn that it isn’t scary and you’re safe, and you’ll be surprised at how easy it becomes over time. But this takes a while. Another way to unlearn and reprogram is by doing some deep inner work. You can journal, discuss it in therapy or even think about it. Utilizing my Boundaries Anointing Oil & Shadow Work Anointing Oil through this process will help with the healing process. This is the question that completely changed my life. What do you make it mean to you when you feel guilty setting a boundary? Does it feel to you that if you set a boundary you’ll be abandoned? Does it feel like you’re being a bitch? Does it feel to you that you will be disliked? What meaning do you give to this? You really want to reprogram this and retrain your mind. Once you figure out the core belief behind this feeling you can deprogram this in your mind.
