5 Painful Effects of Being The Fixer
“Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” ~ Anonymous
It was a cold winter's day. My phone buzzed with a notification. It was a DM from an old friend I had known since Elementary school. “Oh wow, I wonder what Ivy wants?” I thought. “Bethany, I need help! My landlord found out that I have cats and I’m not supposed to can you please help me find a safe home for this animal for a couple of weeks?”
Long story short, I got a new cat and lost someone I thought was a friend. HA! While that is an oversimplification, that’s the jist of what happened. But how did we get there? I wasn’t looking for a cat, I was hoping for a connection. I was young, foolish, and wounded. I was hoping that by solving this persons problem they would see my value. That didn’t happen.
I was conditioned from a young age to believe I was responsible for the emotional well being of everyone around me. Every time something went wrong in my mother’s life I got yelled at so I must be the problem and the solution. I tried everything to make her happy and nothing ever worked. I distinctly remember feeling like I was a source of bad in the world and feeling so much guilt. I could feel her pain and everyone else’s. I learned to predict & read moods. I became acutely aware of what other’s were feeling even when they weren’t aware of it themselves.
As I grew I became accustomed to alleviating guilt that didn’t even belong to me by pleasing others. What came from that was personal failures in relationships, career, and overwhelming stress and insecurity. My intentions were always good. I truly and genuinely wanted to help others. I was going about it in all the wrong ways. I didn’t realize at the time it was part of my path to be of service to other’s.
My big breakthrough was realizing that I had so much compassion and grace for everyone else but none for me. I put myself into a pattern where I gave and gave and tried harder and harder only to be taken advantage of or put upon repeatedly. I thought I wasn’t good enough, or doing enough so I would do more. Then I realized I was punishing myself. I was doing it to escape bad feelings. I was avoiding my work by focusing on others.
Being a “fixer” has painful impacts on us. Let’s look at a few:
Being wantless
Clients who come to me embattled in or emerging from people pleasing patterns often aren’t aware of their own needs and in extreme cases their own identity. Somewhere along this path a person will begin to believe their needs don’t matter. They forget to live for themselves and become arrested in development.
I often find many who struggle with these issues don’t value or understand self-care. The conditioning is such that they start to believe the only way to feel good is through the approval of others. They seek out the love that they are looking for from themselves from the approval of others. It becomes an addiction with short lived gratification. I experienced this as well.
2. No boundaries
I see it so often with people in these people-pleasing patterns, myself included at one time. There’s absolutely no sense of boundaries. Both of our own personal boundaries or with the needs and emotions of others and the connections to us. This ties into number 1. When you lack an understanding of your own needs and desires and values you don’t have a strong identity. If you cannot differentiate where your needs and the needs of another end and begin you may have a boundary issue. No shame or judgment. Most people struggle with boundaries at one point or another. The issue is that without good boundaries you are far more susceptible to toxic connections and relationships and to falling victim to manipulators and users. Try my Boundaries Oil to help strengthen your boundaries and protect your energy.
3. Turning to addiction to cope
After a prolonged period of time of ignoring your pain and needs that takes a major toll. You feel stressed, unappreciated, tense and often like you are failing. This will drive any person to seek relief or an escape of some kind and without the proper tools or awareness many times people will turn to very unhealthy methods of cope.
Whether it is food, anger, drugs & alcohol or some other outlet to numb the pain none of it is helpful for you. There’s nothing wrong with adults participating in the responsible consumption of substances, it is only a problem when it becomes a regular thing and the only, or a regular, way you soothe yourself. I struggled with this too so I understand. Many don’t realize that perpetual people pleasing is a path towards self destruction.
4. Lonliness
Fixers often have had the love of their true selves withheld from them from an early age by family. Instead, we are given the message that we are not enough. Many situations can foster people pleasing tendencies but most often it derives from emotional neglect in childhood. It can also come from any other toxic situation where you were emotionally neglected. If you have ever been in a situation where you were made to sacrifice your wants and needs, where you were made to labor for love, affection or approval. Or made to submit to the needs of another you could suffer from this problem.
You do all of this in the hopes you would be appreciated. How does it turn out? Your sacrifice goes unappreciated. Being totally selfless, ironically, can make you very easy to overlook. People appreciate strength of character and devalue those with low self-esteem. You may not realize it, but your actions are expectation driven. You expect you will be appreciated but more often than not this isn’t the case. Leaving you feeling badly and resentful. The loneliness continues.
5. You feel powerless
When you have spent years giving all your energy and attention away to the problems of others you give your power away. You may not realize it but you could also being stuck in victim mentality. You may avoid conflicts. You may avoid setting boundaries. You might allow other’s to talk to you crazy or walk all over you. You may also feel like it is impossible to change. It isn’t. There may be other times where you explode. Everything you’ve held in for so long comes bubbling to the surface and comes out in completely unhealthy ways.
So… How do you stop it?
It won’t be easy. It won’t be fast. It requires self awareness and mindfulness. Be patient with yourself because you'll be working to undo a lifetime of conditioning. You will be working to undo behaviors that feel ingrained in your identity. But, living your life to make everybody else in the world except you happy is not your identity. And that is not your life path.
You may want to speak to a therapist or get a reading to get insights into the heart of these matters. There's also some practical adjustments you can make that are simple and easy:
Stop automatically saying yes or no to anything that is asked of you. Simply reply with “I need some time to think about this”, or, “I'm not sure yet but I'll get back to you”. Then, allow yourself the time and space to really sit with your feelings around these requests. Another good step to take would be to get guidance or advice from an objective third party. Everyone needs a reality check now and then. You also need to work on lessening your fear of conflict and practice saying “no.” Furthermore,practice saying no without explaining yourself. No is a complete sentence.
There is a way for you to create balance between people pleasing and caring for yourself. You must learn to respect your own needs first. This will actually earn you more respect from others and it's also the first step towards breaking out of these patterns. In addition to that it will significantly reduce your stress levels. It will help you sleep better and lessen pain that may be manifesting in your body.
I see it very often with people pleasers that they believe that self-care is selfish and egotistical. Nothing could be further from the truth. Ask yourself where in your life did someone give you the messaging that putting yourself first was an offense to them. The more love and care you give to yourself the better you will be able to show up for others. The more self-care you engage in, the more authentic the love that you extend to others will be.
